Cultural Detritus

To make up for my infrequency in posting I bring you today, not one but two (2) elucidations of random things I've come accross that make me both laugh and weep a bit for the future of our species. [Okay, I wrote that and then ended up sitting on this post for ages and then not including the other bit I promised. I may get to it]

First off we have the invitation I recieved in the mail to sign up for a credit card. Typically these are referred to as credit card offers. This one however is an invitation.

Observe

Quite a lovely black envelope, yes? With gold(ish) formal writing upon it. Let's see it from the front shall we?
Well, isn't that lovely? The Black Card. Let's look inside shall we? It doesn't matter much what your answer to these questions I keep asking actually are, I'm just going to go ahead anyway with my little plan here. They are what is known as rhetorical questions. Asked merely for the sake of style, not to elicit a response. English lesson over.

They have a director of Customer Experience... This should make you nervous right off the bat. It's never a good sign when people redefine corporate positions. Take human resources as an example. Just the term is disturbing and, funnily enough, dehumanizing. I mean, you could use the same term in an organ harvesting operation... if that doesn't give you pause you obviously haven't been watching enough bad thrillers on late night television.

Alright. Enough of that, lets see what this Black Card actually entails. Are you feeling the anticipation? Are you as curious as I was to see what all this is about? I hope so. Moving along, we find the meat of the matter:
Ah! Wonderful! Here we see (though in fact if we were reading carefully we also saw it in the letter from Customer Experience Director) that the Black Card (should follow suit with the Visa folks by putting it in boldface type I guess) is "not for everyone". Well certainly. Not everyone is worthy of such a fancy invitation... only the very best of us. In fact, only 1% of U.S. residents. A pretty elite group I must say, us 1%ers. The few, the proud, the holders. Apparently we get high caliber personal 'concierge' service. I envision a tuxedo clad, Jeeves like figure to personally deliver the card, or indeed, simply to accompany me on all my acquisitional excursions, carrying the Black Card in a metal briefcase handcuffed to his wrist, which will be unlocked when I am ready to make my purchase. You get that kind of service with the Black Card, for it is not a mere piece of plastic. Oh, no. Oh, no no no no no. It is a patent pending carbon card. As we know from the world of bicycling, everything is made better by making it out of carbon. It's lighter and stronger than conventional credit cards (it seems tawdry to even use such a term in reference to this "the ultimate buying tool" [in actuality, the ultimate buying tool is the one who gets this card]). It is laterally stiff and vertically compliant. It is the card of choice of pro racers world over, or would be, but you see, it's limited to only 1% of U.S. citizens, so those damn Belgians can't have one. Even Lance Armstrong may not have gotten one of these exclusive invitations.

Well, besides a personal shopping valet and a high-tech carbon fiber rectangle, what do we get?
Well, oh yes, the limited membership, so we know we're special. That's very important. We are indeed, those special few who demand only the best of what life has to offer.

Exclusive Rewards Program. No further information about what rewards are on offer, but they've gotta be pretty damn good don't you think? I'd expect a Lexus at least. Not right away of course, but after a few years of using the Black Card I think I'll have earned it.

Luxury Gifts. Geese that lay golden eggs, singing harps, that sort of thing. Not to be confused with the rewards, which we get in return for a job well done, these gifts are given to us simply to show that we are loved and valued, unconditionally... well okay, one condition, there is a small anual fee, a mere pittance. See it up there?

$495

a year

This is a damn special card. The APR isn't even that great. I think it starts at 13% or something. You pay them for the privilage of using the Black Card. If you're special enough to join the exclusive club.

Do me a favor all of you who work in retail. If any customer of yours pays for something with this card... just punch them in the face. If you are uncomfortable with violence, simply tease them mercilessly. Be sure to bring up the $495 a year, and the fact that the card is made of carbon (we're glossing over the fact that plastic is also made of carbon, but it has not escaped our notice. I know what they mean by "carbon" in this case).